Grief is a necessary part of living a full life, so you definitely need this guide on how to support someone who is grieving to appreciate that their grief is part of having loved and invested ourselves in the world and in people.
We Wouldn’t Have Grief if We Didn’t Care
Grief is complex and can take a long time to move through, far longer then the time we tend to support people in our culture. So first off, be patient. In some cases it can be years of heart ache, particularly with loss of a partner or family member.
For the person going through it, there is a loss of identity and orientation to the world that is both painful and confusing. In the acute stages ,it can be hard for the person to think clearly, they may feel numb, distant or just not like themselves. Allowing people to be how they are and not making efforts to make them feel ‘better’ but rather making every effort to listen when they want to talk and not to push it when they don’t is ideal.
You Are Trying to Be There for Them, so Ask What They Want
Don’t make assumptions. You have to ask yourself what you are comfortable and capable with in terms of supporting this person in their grief.
Do you feel comfortable listening to and appreciating their difficult emotions (pain, anger, fear, etc) without changing them? Or are you better suited to make food and run errands for them or to take them to a movie? Be honest with yourself. If you are dying to hear how they feel and they don’t want to talk, are you able to set your needs aside and just be with them however they ask you to be? The biggest thing about other people’s big life experiences is that they tend to make us feel a lot of things too. So if we have certain things we want to feel or don’t want to feel, we may not be able to make room for whatever they need.
So first, get clear with yourself about what your own comfort and needs are around their experience. If their experience is upsetting you, you could be looking for support for yourself rather then looking to support them.
Most of all, be patient with the person and your relationship with them
They may be grumpy, weepy or distant. They may seem like themselves when it seems they should be upset. There is no precise formula. Being sincere is always the best bet, which also means if how you are is normally not very connecting or is goofy, that’s likely your best bet now.
Related Reads
- Grief And Trauma: The Power of Community
- How to Handle Grief and Loss from Social Distancing During COVID
- Creativity creates a path through pain
One of the tough tings about grief is that is can be isolating because people don’t know what to say or how to be, so they avoid you or are super weird. Just be there and be yourself, your willingness to do that in the hard times means more than thinking of the right thing to say.
On that topic, what should you say to someone who is grieving?
Ask if they want to talk about it in a direct way when its a good to talk. If they don’t, ask if they want to talk about something else. If they choose to connect with anyone on in nearly any way, that is success. You may not talk at all about ‘the elephant in the room’ but if you are there with that person doing what they like, you are helping.
Most of all, remember they are in charge of their grief, they are the only ones who can go through it. Trust them.
Most of all, be patient with the person and your relationship with them
They may be grumpy, weepy or distant. They may seem like themselves when it seems they should be upset. There is no precise formula. Being sincere is always the best bet, which also means if how you are is normally not very connecting or is goofy, that’s likely your best bet now.
One of the tough tings about grief is that is can be isolating because people don’t know what to say or how to be, so they avoid you or are super weird. Just be there and be yourself, your willingness to do that in the hard times means more than thinking of the right thing to say.
How to Support Someone Who is Grieving
Ask if they want to talk about it in a direct way when its a good to talk. If they don’t, ask if they want to talk about something else. If they choose to connect with anyone on in nearly any way, that is success. You may not talk at all about ‘the elephant in the room’ but if you are there with that person doing what they like, you are helping.
Most of all, remember they are in charge of their grief, they are the only ones who can go through it. Trust them.
Begin Grief Counseling in Boulder, CO
You don’t have to cope with loss on your own. We all deserve support during difficult times, and our team of caring therapists would be honored to support you. We offer support for clients from our Boulder, CO-based counseling practice. To start your therapy journey, please follow these simple steps:
- Contact our counseling center
- Request an appointment to learn more about our team
- Begin grief counseling and learn to cope with your loss
Other Services Offered at North Boulder Counseling
Grief counseling isn’t the only service the therapists and counselors at our Boulder, CO-based counseling practice offer to support your mental health. We understand life can throw a lot your way and grief rarely comes in a vacuum. For this reason, we are able to support you or your family members with a wide range of mental health services. Our clinicians also offer online therapy in Colorado, parent coaching, trauma treatment and EMDR, depression treatment, teen therapy, LGTBQ counseling, and play therapy. We also offer postpartum anxiety treatment, an anxiety-intensive treatment program, professional consulting, and business coaching for therapists.
